Having a horse has been so important over the last few months. Louie is not really a lovely kind and gentle unicorn horse that loves cuddles and grooming and time with people. He is moody, pushy, reasonably food aggressive, and some days he is just a grump. In fact, if the only human interaction Louie ever got was just regarding his food deliveries, he would be so happy. But I love him so much anyways and hopefully one day he might enjoy having some snugs. Even though he is a demon goat, he makes me smile. He is so soft and fuzzy, he loves neck scritches, he has learnt to kiss and is learning to bow. He is the worlds best lead rein horse and is quite happy for people to try and vault on to him and have a sleep on his back. He loves to swim and play in the water. He looks like a bush pony even though he is a thoroughbred. He has the biggest personality of all time. Having Louie means having something that I look forward to. Especially on chemo week. I can count down the days until I can go and see him. Spend time in the beautiful fresh air that doesn't smell like chemicals. Try and avoid contact with Louie's teeth. Maybe sit on his beautiful soft fuzzy back and plod around the arena or the paddocks for a bit. Or even just spending time grooming him. Louie days are my favourite days.
Isn't it funny the different colour of my scalp and my face?! It cracks me up. something I've never thought about before. But it's been covered with hair for 27 years so has never had the chance to see the sun! When I put make up on I'm like... how far up does this go?? But it is just SO WHITE! I can't wait to see what the hair grows back like! Fingers are crossed for curly! I'm hoping it might start growing back with the next stuff, as lots of people seem to get some growth with it!
Getting out of the house is so important but it's so hard, especially over winter, as I am at risk of getting sick. And I miss human interaction so much! So at least going to see Louie I get to see some of my favourite humans and favourite horses in a reasonably safe environment. I got sick late last week after being somewhere with lots of people in a smallish place, and that means I have missed out on Louie time all weekend so I am feeling a little sad! I was so worried yesterday, as I was so close to having to go to hospital with how high my fever was getting. Thankfully it's pretty much back to normal today and I am already looking forward to when I can get out of the house to see Louie's fuzzy little face again. So today is lots of healthy things and super juice and hopefully I will be back to normal soon. Getting sick on top of general tiredness from chemo is definitely not fun!
Last week before I got sick, I was able to go out and see him a few times and I had a wonderful bareback ride through the paddocks back to the stable. I think most of my riding this winter will consist of bareback plods, so I am going to make some reins to attach to his halter instead of my tied on lead rope, which I am super excited about! My friends and I went on a wee pony road trip recently to a horse expo and a great tack shop, so I have a few treaties for myself and for Louie - I am so looking forward to getting to go out to spoil him a little bit!
Anyways... enough about Le Pone!
Last week I had my first appointment about radiation. My partner and I went up to Keneperu hospital for this - I was really excited that all my radiation treatments might be there, but it was only for the initial information meeting unfortunately! So once I have had my surgery, I will start 15 days of radiation, once a day for 3 weeks (excluding weekends). The side effects aren't too bad, just more fatigue. Which is insane as I don't actually know how much more fatigued I can get! And I've been told my next lot of chemo the fatigue is what really gets you then too! I'm pretty sure I will actually be a zombie by the time all this is over. How much more tired can I possible get?! Because of my age I have a few more side effects that are slightly scary (due to the tumour being on my left side), but it's more for when I'm older. Apart from that it should only be a very brief procedure every day, which is good but also slightly frustrating as I will have to drive in every day for a 5 minute radiation zap. But no more needles apart form the initial tiny tattoos! Yay!
I'm still having all the nervous thoughts about my surgery. Still 100% terrified about going under anaesthetic even though it went perfectly fine last time! And this year is going so crazy fast that I'm sure the next 12 weeks of chemo are going to speed by and then I will be bawling my eyes out again clinging on to a lovely nurse who leads me in to surgery. So embarrassing but definitely going to happen. Hopefully I can start to be less panicked about it the closer it gets, but think it is going to just get scarier!
It's been really interesting talking to people at the moment. The first thing I get asked is "how are you?" and I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. So I smile and say "I'm good, thanks'". Even though I am 500% exhausted and wish this wasn't happening. But the next thing they'll say is "you look so good!" so I feel like I have to be good. It does't really work if I say "actually, I think I could stay in bed for a week and it took me 10 minutes to convince myself to get out of the shower this morning and I'm filled with poison and feel awful 24/7" but people seem to think if I look good I must be feeling good. But it's more I try and cover up. And I hate saying I'm not ok. If I go out in public where I know people, I usually wear some make up because otherwise I look mostly horrendous and my eyebrows are falling out and I'm really not loving that. I know they mean well, and I know they just really want me to be better. But I'm so unsure what to do in this situation! I think it's easier to just nod and smile because I'm sure one day soon I will be able to answer "good" and I will be good and that is exciting :)
Something that has definitely got harder each weeks is my memory! Not just the usual bad memory things, but more trying to remember something on the tip of my tongue. Like when I'm writing a blog post, for example, and I know the word I need but can't figure it out. It happens so often now! General memory is definitely bad as well though. Will be interesting to see if it gets better or worse for the next chemo! I'm a bit nervy for the anaphylactic shock risk - but hopefully that won't happen! And I just need to make sure I don't get tingly/numb hands and feet. As long as I don't have to feel that awful poison feeing the A/C gave me, I will be so happy!!
Will leave you with a photo of my happy place :)
