I never thought I would need to use this blog again. But I so desperately need to get some words out. It has been one week since my son passed away.
I don't even know if anyone will see this or read this. And I don't need anyone to. I just need to write before I forget things. But if anyone does stumble across it, it does not leave out any details. It will be hard to read. But was so much harder for me to write, and I can never describe how hard it is to go through. I go through it every day. And I don't know how I am ever going to get over this. I don't want anyone to tell me what should have happened, or that they think they know better. Sometimes things don't happen for a reason. Sometimes life is just shit, and the last few years have been worse than I could have ever imagined.
In 2021, I went through tests for my fertility after having chemo in 2019. They were not great results. But we were able to get pregnant which was so amazing and unexpected. 2022 was filled with scans and tests for our miracle baby. He was developing well, and no issues were found. I was so scared to be a mum. I didn't have experience with babies, didn't feel particularly maternal, and had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea I could love someone so much.
The week of the 21st of May, I had some light pains in my lower abdomen, and was getting uncomfortable in the evenings. I was in my 23rd week according to the dating scan, so knew round ligament pain was common for this part of pregnancy. On the Monday, I went to obstetrics for a breast check, and on Tuesday I met with my amazing midwife. All checks with both ladies were perfect and healthy. I was starting to feel my baby moving more, and I know he had a strong heartbeat.
On the 20th of May I wasn't feeling 100% and left work at lunch time to work from home. I wasn't feeling anything in particular, just a bit tired and not right, which I put down to having some vaccinations to keep baby heathy and strong. I had a long shower and went to bed early, after sending photos to my friends of how my stomach was changing with him rolling around.
I woke up sometime between 2.30 and 3am on the 21st of May. I had strong pains across my lower abdomen and instantly knew something wasn't right. Going to the bathroom didn't help, and by the time I got back to the bedroom I was pale and shaking, and ready to pass out. I woke up Jordan and told him he needed to call the on-call midwife. Jordan had a 3 minute phone call with Tess at 3.13am. On the drive to Keneperu hospital, I knew things had gotten worse. It was no longer constant pain, but coming in waves after small 30 second intervals of relief. Luckily, Jordan drove so fast we got there in 10 or 15 minutes, and Tess examined me. When she said that I was dilated and baby was coming, I just went into shock. I asked Jordan to call our parents. Tess said the membranes were already bulging out and she thought she could feel his legs and feet. I remember saying 'he is too early'. Suddenly there were so many phone calls. NICU and paramedics were called to come from Wellington Hospital, my midwife was coming, the room was full of people trying to get lines in my arms, and everyone was calm and methodical, but I could tell this was not good. They gave me medicine in my arm and an injection in my leg to help baby and his development if he was going to make it. I don't remember a lot of this, or even getting the injection. Jordan said they had to just stab my leg as the breaks between my contractions were not short enough for me to be still.
My waters broke at 4.05am, after a huge contraction. Less than one hour after we called the midwife line. I remember making noises I didn't know I could make, and swearing as they broke. I was so surprised at how it felt - the popping sound it made, and how much warm liquid there was that just kept coming. It was so difficult, I felt immense relief from the pressure, but so guilty I couldn't hold it any longer. One of my many 'what ifs'. Paramedics and NICU arrived, and they started setting up an incubator. My wonderful midwife Mel did an exam, and confirmed what Tess had felt earlier, but his feet were already out now. Oliva and Emily from NICU were kind and honest, and explained if I delivered him now, if he was put on my chest then that would be to say goodbye, and if he was put in an incubator then they would be able to try. But I knew deep down he was much too early and I had always thought he was a bit later than the due date I was given. I was started on pills to stop my labour, I took 6 all together. Since they were working, the decision was made for everyone to go in ambulances to Wellington Hospital. I am so glad we made it. I had started feeling light pressure again as we got to hospital, but nothing compared to before. I was admitted at 6.03am, but it only felt like 5 minutes had passed since I was at Keneperu. They wheeled me in to the delivery suite, which was beautiful. I remember looking at the pool in the corner, thinking I was supposed to be in there with a full term labour. NICU started setting up, and I met some amazing doctors. They started me on gas and Dr. Simon performed an exam, and called some people higher up for as much help as possible. Dr. Sally arrived so fast to help. I was shaking and in shock. They put in a catheter to try and relieve some pressure, and then the decision was made that I would have drugs to speed up my labour and I would try and push baby out, since he had already started coming. They kept checking his heartbeat and doing scans. He was still going so well, but I couldn't bring myself to look at the screen. It got intense so fast. I had the most amazing anaesthetist, Jenny, giving me as many pain relief drugs as she could, and she helped me breathe in the gas the best way possible. I had her holding one had and Jordan the other. And so many people holding my legs down. Which sounds horrific, and it was, but they tried so hard for us. It all happened so fast once the labour drugs really kicked in, and they kept upping the dosage. The gas and pain drugs made me feel like I was't quite here anymore. I could still feel all the pain, but it was like I wasn't in my body. I remember screaming at people that I was trying, how sorry I was, and that I couldn't do anymore. I was kicking everyone away and digging my nails into whoever had my hands. I didn't know how to push or what to do. The doctors were trying so hard to help Reijer. My cervix was not ready or thin enough, and with Reijer being breech with his feet and legs out, there was no pressure with contractions to help stretch the muscle thin. His wee arms started stuck up above his head, but Dr.Sally managed to free them. The pain of this was like nothing I have ever felt. I didn't know physical pain like that existed. I am so glad she did it though, he deserved everything and she did that for him. At one stage I think I passed out. I remember being in a place that was a cream coloured shape rather than a place, and there where lots of dark blue ovals. It was quiet and peaceful. And then everything started again. I think when I was in that place was when they cut my cervix. The doctor made one big cut on one side of my cervix, and two smaller ones as well, to try and get Reijer out. I am so glad I wasn't 'there' for that. Jordan tells me the scissors were so big. They had also tried forceps, but its so hard on a baby this tiny, and they were being so careful with his beautiful delicate body. They later told me that this is something they train for, but they never do the procedure with the cervix. And I’m glad that it’s not something many people have to go through, but so grateful they knew how to try. I remember Dr. Sally coming close to me and whispering that 'baby has passed'. She was so gentle. She explained they were going to take me to surgery to help get Reijer out peacefully. I felt like wasn't existing anymore. Like my life wasn't real. It still doesn't feel real yet. I am usually so terrified of general anaesthetic. But this time I longed for it. I couldn't do it anymore and I needed to just go away for a bit. Reijer was born at 7.49am on the 21st of May, surrounded by so many amazing doctors and nurses and midwives, who I know cared for him deeply. He was 30cm long and weighed 450grams. Reijer came out fast and easily once I was put to sleep, and then the Head of Gynaecology came in to stitch my cervix back together.
Today is one week since my Son was born. And this Saturday at 7.49am I was awake for him. Once I woke up, they explained what happened, though I don't remember this. The doctors came to see me many times during my hospital stay to make sure I knew though. I vaguely remember my breathing tube being taken out, and being given an ice block. I was brought to the Pohutukawa room in Wellington Hospital, a special room for mothers who have lost their baby, and both our families were with us. We were all able to have some cuddles with baby Reijer, though he was just called baby boy at this stage. We named our son on Saturday afternoon - Reijer Edward Tuite. Reijer (Rye-er) is a dutch name I love, and Edward is after Jordans Grandad.
The rest of Saturday and most of Sunday is such a blur. I don't remember much. I had lots of visitors, but don't remember many coversations and I was still in a lot of shock. Two of the midwives took prints of his hands and feet on Saturday. They are so perfect. We dressed Reijer in a beautiful gown to go with his knitted hat, and he was wrapped up in one of my blankets from when I was little. He had been placed in a beautiful basket with soft wraps and teddy bears from SANDS. The doctors Jenny, Sally and Simon and my midwife Mel came to see me, which was so emotional. But they all explained what happened as many times as I needed and answered any questions I had. Saturday night a nurse came to take 10 vials of blood for testing, which will go with the autopsy and placenta tests as well. On Sunday, Rachel from the amazing charity 'Heartfelt' came to take photos of us and family with Reijer. I will cherish these forever.
On Sunday night and Monday is when things started to hit me a bit more. I had lots of quiet time with Reijer, lots of morning cuddles alone with him, cries and talks, and told him so many times how much I love him and always will. I apologised for not keeping him safe, and that we had all tried so hard for him. I can't believe how much love I have for him. He is such an insanely beautiful baby. So perfectly formed. He has the best squishy nose, long delicate fingers, and beautiful feet. He has my chin, and Jordans nose. His skin was so soft, softer than I could believe. I miss him so much. On Monday Reijer went for his autopsy for a couple of hours. It was so hard to let him go. I was so grateful to have the most amazing midwife, Gail, looking after both Reijer and myself. She sat with me while I cried, and made sure he was taken care of. Gail was an angel. She cared so deeply for myself, Jordan and baby Reijer, and treated us all like family. I am so lucky to have met her. When Reijer came back, he was dressed in new clothes; the most beautiful tiny knitting, booties and even a nappy. We were able to keep his other gown and hat and blanket, which are so precious to have.
Jordans family were an amazing help with organising funeral arrangements, and we had a beautiful family friend as the celebrant. We met with her a couple of times before the funeral, and she made everything so kind and gentle. The funeral and cremation was organised for the 26th of May, for our closest family. I was dreading it so much but knew it was time. On Tuesday the 24th of May, I left hospital after baby Reijer was picked up by the funeral home. Our families came to say goodbye to him, and then Jordan and I had some time alone with our beautiful Son. It was the most precious time together, and I am so glad the Gail took photos of these moments. She took Reijer down for us, and then walked us out as well. I will never forget what she did for our family. There were so many tears at home. I missed having him with me. I could't just reach over to stroke his face or hold his hand anymore. I still miss this feeling and I know I always will. On Wednesday we met with Ingrid again, our celebrant, who was going to do Reijers funeral. She took us through the service, our music, and had a letter from me to read as well.
I didn't want to go to sleep on Wednesday night. I didn't want to wake up on Thursday either. Reijers funeral was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Saying goodbye to him was horrific. I never thought it was something I would have to do. I had felt the physical pain. But this is different. My heart has a constant dull ache and I have no idea how to get through these feelings. Gail told me we have to do it hour by hour. or half hour. And that is all I can do right now. My body is so tired. It has been through so much over the last few years. And I just want to curl up and rest and go back in time. I didn't know I could cry so many tears. It is unlike any grief I have ever experienced. It fills your whole body and everything hurts. There is a part of me missing and I don't know how to make that better. Or if that is even possible. I don't know how to be how I was before.
Reijer's ashes came back to us on Friday. I feel more peaceful knowing he is with us. But it does't make this any easier. I would do anything I could to get Reijer back. To have him growing safely inside me again. I would go through that pain a million times for him. I love him so much.
Over the past week I have experienced so many needles, injections, drugs and pills. I have experienced the kindness of so many medical professionals, and seen how much the care for us all. The cried with us and shared our loss. I have been through the worst physical pain that I didn't know was possible, as well as the emotional pain that I don't think will ever leave me. Jordan, Reijer and I have been wrapped in so much love from our amazing families, and supported by so many friends. And we are so grateful. We have welcomed people into our family and I will forever consider them part of my life. I am so lucky to have Jordan too. He has taken such good care of me and it would have been absolutely horrific for him to watch what happened. I love him so much. The past week I have experienced a love for my son that I didn't know was possible. It is so strong that my heart has been completely shattered with grief and longing for him. Reijer made us parents, and for that I am grateful. He is the most beautiful son I could have ever of asked for, and I will love him forever.
Lead us to a place,
Guide us with your grace,
Give us faith so we'll be safe.
You are my Sunshine - forever and always.
I love you, my baby Reijer.