(13) Paclitaxel and catching up

Whoops! I am a bit behind on this blog. Lots has been happening!

At the end of May I was feeling pretty bitter about getting sick on my last 'good' week of A/C Chemo. The one week where things usually start getting back to normal, and I was so sick! Thankfully I managed to keep my temperature at just below the danger zone for going in to hospital, so was really happy about that at least!

Please enjoy my super cute hat. I love it. :D

**Warning - there is a needle/injection picture in this blog - just FYI if you don't like those!**

I also managed a little ride on Louie before the new chemo (much to his disgust) and he is now on winter break, apart from when he plods me to and from the paddocks :D

I had also tried to lunge him to see if he would take me on another ride a few days later, but he had a bit too much energy for me, so at least I got some good exercise in as I attempted to hang on to the lunge line as he dragged me around the arena!

Louie is in full bush-pony mode now. His shoes are off, he has a super fluffy winter coat, and is really enjoying rolling in all the mud he can find and RUINING his expensive winter rugs.

My eyelashes and eyebrows started falling out a lot more too. I think for people that don't know me so well probably don't notice, but I've always had really thick eyebrows, and long, dark eyelashes, so its a bit weird for me! Definitely looking like Voldemort more and more! I still have a fine layer of fluff on my head though, but it comes out really easily. It is very satisfying to pull out - it gets so itchy! It will be interesting to see if anything starts growing or actually staying in for this chemo, rather than having the hairs that just come out. I wish my arm hairs would fall out too!

I had my harpoon injection at the end of May as well, I was really happy to see one of my favourite nurses from hospital was my community cancer nurse that day! She is so lovely and then offered to come past before chemo to access my port and take my blood the next week, as my usual day was a public holiday. She is just so nice.

Unfortunately for the zoladex I didn't quite put enough cream on for the harpoon needle, and my cream spot was a bit small... so I felt a lot of the injection this time around! Definitely not the nicest feeling in the world. I don't think I will ever get used to all the needles and injections that I have to have, but I also don't think I will ever complain about regular sized vaccination needles ever again! My ovaries have well and truly frozen up though, so it is doing its job well.

4th of June was my first round of Paclitaxel, which is the new chemo. I was actually terrified after being warned of the anaphylactic shock risk. Thankfully my lovely friend who works at hospital was there to distract me, and she brought me the hospital therapy dog for a visit! His name is Jack and he is sooo beautiful and can skateboard and do lots of amazing tricks.

The paclitaxel chemo session is also not as long as A/C which is nice. I get my hydration bag, and then about an hour of chemo. They take it slow for the first 10 minutes and monitor you just in case of a reaction though. The 'before' chemo process is easier too. Every 3 weeks I get my bloods done and have to see the oncologist, the other weeks I just get to go straight to the day ward and get started!

I was so happy I had no reactions to the new chemo which was a huge relief. I had some funny tastes during the chemo, and had a weird face rash afterwards though. I was really knackered and just wanted to rest a lot. I also started getting bone and muscle pains towards the end of the week. They sort of feel like the pains I got from the other injections I was having for A/C chemo. Not super fun, and just uncomfortable in a way you don't really know what to do to make it any better! But I was really happy the poison feeling wasn't happening with this new chemo. Success!

The next week came around really fast. It is so weird having chemo every week and not every three weeks. I haven't been sleeping very well, so on Tuesday (chemo day) mum got me breakfast and my morning pills, and sent me back to bed to try get a few more hours sleep. And then my phone went off! It was the hospital asking if I was coming in for chemo that morning. Apparently this week and next week chemo is at 8am! WHOOPS! So I quickly swallowed my last pill, piled on my port cream, and away we went! There was sooo much traffic but managed to get in before 10am. I felt awful as they had reserved a bed for me for round two, but they were very lovely about my mix up. Round two went well too, another success with no reaction! It was weird having morning chemo though. I crashed hard that afternoon and had a nice long nap. I think the best way I can describe the after chemo feeling for this stuff is being woozy. My head feels really heavy and I'm just insanely tired. I had the face rash that lasted a bit longer this time, and I'm getting the bone and muscle pains again, but It isn't too bad I don't think. I'd really prefer if chemopause stopped waking me up at 3am for hot and cold flushes, but I have my sleeping pills ready and waiting if it gets too bad!

Next week I have my 2nd appointment with my plastic surgeon. I have so many questions to ask her about the surgery, and implants, and scarring and and so much more. So hopefully will know a lot more this time next week. I'm still 100% terrified of the surgery, but hopefully it all goes ok. I think time is going to go really fast, I have 10 more weeks of chemo and then a little break before the surgery. But I can't believe how fast this year has gone already!

Over the past few weeks I've been talking to some amazing people around the world who are going through things similar to me. It's been so great getting to know other people who understand how I'm feeling and who have the same worries and fears that I do. It's sad seeing how many of us there are at this age though. Sometimes it is really hard to relate to the 'real world' when I feel like it's been taken away from me so suddenly. And it can be hard trying to explain to people how absolutely shite and exhausted you are feeling, when you 'look fine' on the outside. I get that it is hard to understand though.

Hearing people complain about the daily grind, and little petty things has been making me so frustrated recently. And it is so hard to relate to that anymore. I'm not usually an angry person, and I know moodiness is really common for people on chemo, but I have to try very hard to suppress it still! I think it is so unfair sometimes. But I'm thankful for these amazing girls around the world who help me put things into perspective, and they are so positive and lovely and I can't wait to see the other side of this with them.

This weekend I'm hoping to go and watch my friends compete at a horse show! I went to the last one in the series so am excited to go again. It is definitely bittersweet though, and it makes me a little sad (tricks it's actually a lot). But it also makes me so happy to see my friends doing what they love, and seeing so many beautiful horses out and about. And jumping is just so fantastic to watch. It's really hard to not be jealous, as much as I try. But I think I always will be while I'm watching on, knowing I would struggle just walking up the hill to the arenas. I just want to be part of it all and back to normal again. But any time around ponies is a good time, so that is a good positive to focus on. I can't wait for all this to be over and can start working with Louie again.

I also wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has stayed in touch. The people who are there no matter what, day or night, and who are always checking in. The people who know I'm actually not ok when I say I'm good, and distract me with all the funnies until I'm laughing again. The ones who just want to chat about life. It means a lot and I love you all so much for that.