3 Paclitaxel down, 9 to go! It is Sunday night and I'm feeling pretty good I think. I am just ignoring the bones in my legs feeling not very nice! I'm so thankful this chemo is a bit nicer than the A/C chemo.
My last chemo session was 8am last Tuesday. It was such a mission to get to the hospital at that time! But my wonderful partner made sure I had taken all my pills and got me there early even. I ended up with a window seat (!!! very exciting!) and was opposite a lovely man and his partner. I know all cancers are awful, no matter the diagnosis, but I definitely felt lucky when he told us he was having chemo for the WHOLE day and was coming in for sessions the whole week. It must be so hard. My partner took a video of my port needle being inserted as well. Oh my gosh. It goes in SO much more than I thought it would! It is such a weird thing to watch it just disappear in to the port!
I still have some not nice side effects which are definitely getting more obvious each week, but it's nice not getting knocked out for a whole week feeling like death. The main side effects I have been having are the bone pains, blood noses, headaches, tiredness, and the general 'chemo brain'. The bone pains are hard to describe. If you have ever had blocked sinuses on an aeroplane, and get that feeling like your skull is getting crushed, it's sort of like that but I mainly get it in my legs, lower back and jaw/teeth. The blood noses are only in the morning, and seem to be like a build up of blood overnight, rather than the typical blood nose you see people getting. Still gross to have every morning! The headaches and tired feelings are the same as the last chemo. The tired feeling isn't necessarily sleepy (though I crash hard after chemo), but it can be getting tired from walking up my driveway, or from doing the laundry. Just generally feeling exhausted which I hate! I do get sleepy tired as well, as chemopause makes me wake up in the night with hot flushes, which are awful. I don't think I have ever been so hot in my life! Chemo brain is just annoying, lots of forgetting what I've told people, forgetting words, general bad memory things!
But something really exciting has been happening..... MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK!! MY HEAD IS SO HAIRY! It is so insanely soft. I am like a kiwifruit crossed with a duckling. I cannot stop touching my head! Thankfully still don't have any armpit hairs. My eyebrows and eyelashes still aren't doing so good, but hopefully they might start growing too. I have been told they can fall out after this chemo has finished though as like a post-chemo side effect, which will be heartbreaking!
I am going to try take photos of my head every Friday to see the progress, so this is from the 21st of June:
After chemo on Tuesday, I had my second meeting with my lovely plastic surgeon. She explained I can pick what surgery I will have. Anyone who knows me knows I am actually useless with decisions! So had a mild panic. My options were a lumpectomy, or mastectomy (with reconstruction on the other side). She explained that they have done studies for seeing a difference, and after twenty years the results show there isn't much difference in reoccurrence if you get a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. But no studies have been done on people my age. Her recommendation was the mastectomy just due to my age and we don't know what will happen in the future. So that is what I went with! I will be getting a full mastectomy on the left breast, and have an implant put in. On the right, I will have a breast reduction, then an implant and lift done so they will hopefully match a bit. I'm hoping my surgeon will be able to take my port out as well, and fix up the scar as it is quite large! After my three weeks of radiation I might have to have a few more surgeries to make things more even. I am terrified! My port surgery was literally 30 minutes and easy peasy, and I cried the whole way down the hall from the 'warm up' chair to surgery. The poor surgical team! I'm hoping I am a bit calmer this time, but will most likely cry again and cling to the lovely nurse that takes me in. They are the nicest people. And hopefully ok with crying potatoes! My surgery will be mid to late September, so I have a lot of time to try and get ok with it, but probably just a lot of time panicking! I'm sure time will go so fast as I am dreading it.
I've been feeling a bit blah recently, so have started Zumba classes to get moving a bit and also trying to go on a few walks. I used to do Zumba and have never found it to be a difficult workout. But golly gosh, on chemo it is INSANE. I am going to have to be brave at the next class and take my hat off as I got too hot! I was so tired by the end of the session, even though I took things so gentle and did all the 'easy' versions of the moves. Very frustrating! But was good to be moving and I think it helps the bone pain a bit.
This weekend was 5 weeks since I rode Louie properly (at more than a 2 minute bareback plod). I was feeling a bit sad about it all. I really love horse riding and am missing it so much. It is definitely my happy place. I miss jumping the most I think. And cantering. But my amazing friend let me ride her beautiful mare on Saturday! I rode terribly and my legs were jelly afterwards, but it was just fantastic to be on a horse again. I'm hoping I can try find a few more pony friends to take me for a few rides as it is so hard being on the sidelines with Louie being on holiday and me being a bit useless.
Last weekend I did a trust technique session with Louie. It involves emptying my mind (so hard for me) and focusing on one spot, and just breathing, while I hold the lead rope. I had an amazing lady help me with this, who is trained to do this, and I have been practicing myself. It is so incredible seeing how Louie changes when I do this. He gets so sleepy and relaxed, isn't distracted by anything, or doing his usual chewing on everything. It is so good for me as well, to stop worrying for once and just be really peaceful with everything around me. It is wonderful and really helps me bond with Louie.
Today my friends took their horses on an outing, so I went to spend the day with Louie to keep him company and make sure he doesn't get another vet bill (a mystery injury the other day means a nice vet bill coming up!). I think he was actually better behaved by himself, but it took him quite a while to settle in his stable once he realised his horsey friends had gone away. Lots of charging the gate and whinnying, but after an hour or two he was happily eating hay and having naps which was really great. He even let me have a nice cuddle when I groomed him, and was happy for me to put his cream on his cut with no protests. Such a good boy.
Chemo this week is back to the afternoon sessions, though about an hour earlier. I am seeing the oncologist this week as well, for the first time since I started on this drug. It means I also need to have bloods taken. Thankfully my community nurse is coming in the morning to access my port and will do it that way. So much easier than a blood test and it means no awful bruises on my arm! The nurse coming is my favourite nurse, so I hope she might have taken the job as the new community cancer nurse. That would be so great! I also have my zoladex injection coming up soon, but as I am in hospital weekly now they are going to be able to do that while I am in for chemo which makes things a bit easier. I will just have to remember to cover my belly in the numbing cream!
I just saw an add on tv for a new show coming out called 'How to not get cancer' or something stupid like that. Which made me so mad. It might be a great show with helpful info, who knows. But for me it just made me upset. Like... I have no genetic anything for this. And I don't want to see anything or hear anyone that will make me think I've done something to get this. And I don't think anyone should have to feel that way. I get that there are the obvious things, that the doctors have always asked, about all the smoking, drinking, (both of which I don't do) and being super unfit with a really bad diet. I know I'm not a fitness guru or a gym junkie, but I wouldn't say I'm unhealthy. I eat so many delicious veggies and have been pretty active, especially owning a horse! So seeing a tv show that is going to tell me all the things I should or shouldn't have done, that doesn't really sound like a nice thing to see for someone with cancer. I think I will be avoiding this. I don't think the person with the cancer should be the blame mostly. But maybe it will be a good show. If anyone sees it, let me know if it is worth while and now how it came across on the advert!
Something interesting I have been thinking about recenlty, is being called brave and a fighter, warrior etc. I get told this a lot! And it is lovely and I know it comes from a good place. But I don't think I am any of these things. Not really. I am definitely not brave. My friend and I had a good giggle about this. Put me on a horse and put the jumps up and see all my bravery disappear! I am the most wimpy person ever. I think this is just more I don't get a choice. I have to just get over myself and deal with the needles, the gross feelings and being permanently exhausted because that is just life for a year or so. And its what I have to do to get better, so that is what I will do. It's definitely not a brave choice or me being a fighter or anything. I'm not really fighting at all. I just lie there and it happens and I deal with the aftermath. I'd 100% prefer to not have to do this and just be back at work and doing every day things like a normal person!
I still get lots of questions about this crazy year. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to this, so am happy to answer any questions anyone might have. I hope everyone has had a wonderful week, and thanks so much for all the support :) lots of love xxx
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