Well! The last few weeks have been a bit of a shite time. But I will start off where I left, which was a lot more fun. And once again, feel free to stop reading at my rants down the bottom, this is just a really good way for me to attempt to get it all out of my head.
In mid July some amazing friends came to visit me! One of these beautiful ladies I have known since I was 13, and one through her (and they are now sister in laws - how cool!!). It was so wonderful catching up with them both, and having such a fun day with all the laughs and normality I needed. I'm so lucky to have so many incredible friends who are there for me, it makes life so much easier and I am so thankful for them all.
That week was pretty alright, actually. Another lovely friend invited me to come and ride her beautiful horse for a trek up the road, which was so amazing. It was beautiful and sunny, and just being outside in that weather and getting some sun on my face felt so wonderful.
Chemo that week seemed to go ok, and my bloods weren't too much different from the last week. The side effects are still mostly the same; hot flushes, blood noses, a constant runny nose (chemo destroys the soft tissue) and bone/muscle pains. I had hoped on a lower dose that I would maybe get less side effects but it doesn't seem to work that way!
That weekend my partner got us tickets to the league game in the corporate lounge, which meant I was able to have a great night without the cold and wet of being in the stadium surrounded by thousands of people who might give me germs! I'm not the biggest sport person, and I have no clue about the rules of league, but ended up having a really good time. I think a lot of it was just the fact I was doing something 'normal' and just being the same as everyone else, which is so important and something I miss the most. I did attempt to try on and wear my wig to be bit more blended in, but I still just don't think it is 'me'. I know it actually looks fine, but to me something is just not right about it, so I get super nervous to wear it in public!
That weekend my pony friends took their beautiful horses to a wee show, so I stayed with my horse as his babysitter to ensure no more vet bills would be coming my way. He had a minor freak out at first, but settled in much better than the last time which was great to see. It was awful weather so I hung out in the stable next to him with a good book, some yummy snacks and a bit cosy jacket. When we had a break in the weather I decided to take him out to the arena to practice some of our basic groundwork, starting and stopping, and using pressure on his sides for movement. This was going so well and we were both is such a good mood that I even hopped on and he plodded me around the arena a few times. It felt amazing. I was so happy. Isn't he so beautiful?
Now we start heading in to the less good week. Though it did have so many amazing parts to it as well which are always the best thing to look back on. For chemo on Tuesday I was feeling a bit poo. My wisdom tooth was starting to come through and I wasn't happy about it. The bone pains came in super fast this time after chemo, and they were much worse than I've had before, so sleep was extra hard. The bone pains are hard to describe, but I think I've found the best way. If you have been on an aeroplane and have blocked sinuses, you get these awful jaw/skull pains and it feels like your bones are being crushed (well, for me anyways). That's what this feels like, along with the muscle pains of after a really good leg workout! Its just such a hard, dull ache and there is no position that seems to be comfortable! I mainly get the pains in my legs, but also in my hips and lower back, and occasionally in my head as well.
When I woke up on Wednesday morning my tooth was in agony and I was pretty sure it was infected. So I called up my nurse and she gave me the all clear to go a dentist, as long as they discuss what they are going to do with my oncologist. Then I went down hill fast, and my temperature went straight up and I felt like actual death. It was awful. So I had to cancel my dental appointment and go to get blood tests to see if I had to go into hospital. Luckily I was in a safe range to be treated out of hospital, so managed to find another dentist to see me that afternoon. He was so nice and numbed everything up, cleaned the tooth, and gave me some antibiotics. After taking a few of the antibiotic pills my temperature went back to normal and was feeling lots better. It was a little scary how fast an infection can take over my body when I have no immune system, and how quickly I felt so sick!
After a few days of good rest and lots of antibiotics (and hardly any food, I was so hungry!), it was time to go to see the ponies, which is always my favourite thing. My friend was having a jump practice on our other friends beautiful horse, and when I was given the chance to have a wee jump I couldn't resist. He is such a good horse, and always takes such good care of me. It was a struggle and a half, with lots of rest breaks for the smallest ride, but I got to fly for a few seconds and that was all I needed.
I decided that I would try having a massage on Thursday to see if it would help with the bone pains. It was actually amazing but I think I just need them 24/7 to help! Definitely recommend if anyone is reading this who has bone and muscle pains though. It was wonderful to be able to fully relax and have some of that soreness go away for an hour or so.
On the Friday night I had a birthday dinner for one of my amazing pony friends. I was a bit nervous going to eat food as I hadn't really been able to with my tooth! But managed sooo many yummy things thanks to some very awkward and unattractive chewing on one side of my mouth. And it was so worth it! Everything was so delicious and it was great to be actually eating food. Another 'normal' evening with friends, something that made me so happy. After dinner we went to the wee bar next door and played boardgames - a wild night out and in bed by 10! I am so excited for when this is all over and I can have a lots more of these nights.
Rant ahead, feel free to stop reading now :)
The past few days I have been having the best time having fun with Louie. I'm just plodding around the arena in a halter and he has been wonderful. Long reins, ears forward, a few half hearted trot poles, and a big smile from me.
And then yesterday he spooked at a noise from the neighbours and I fell off (PS I'm fine - it wasn't a bad fall at all. Long relaxed reins in one hand, and no saddle with a floppy relaxed body means falling is easy. I landed on my leg, not my front/port, and have nothing wrong with me) And I cried. Not from the fall (for once!) but for the fact I can't seem to enjoy anything without it exploding in to pieces. As I got into my car to go home, I actually just broke down. I don't want to be some breakable human wrapped in cotton wool. I want to be having fun and riding my horse and laughing at these silly falls. I cried so much I hyperventilated and had to start doing breathing exercises as I thought I would pass out. I'm not sure if I have ever cried like that before. I was actually devastated and heart broken. It was the first night it really hit me about what cancer has taken away from me. It is this actual shit year of life where I can't be normal or do the things I love the most. I just get to sit on the sideline and pretend to be happy and just watch everyone else get to do the things I want to be doing more than anything else in the world. And it's not fair and I wish this had never happened to me. I'm just over it. I'm over my whole body hurting so much, and using 50 tissues every morning to get all the blood out of my nose, and having so many needles and poison put in me and so much blood taken out, and all the medicines and antibiotics and hospital trips and appointments.
I don't care that Louie can be a little bit unpredictable sometimes. He can also be amazing a lot of the time, He gives me the best smiles, the best feelings, he gives me freedom, and I miss that more than anything. It is so hard to explain and I don't think it is possible to be understand even if I tried. I just want to enjoy him and I feel like I can't even do that without screwing it up anymore. I wish 2019 was over.
Then my friend gave me the fright of my life by opening my car door and making me come inside. I thought I had been quite sneaky with my meltdown, I watched one friend drive away and the other go inside, and then the outdoor light had gone off so I was pretty sure I was in the clear for a good cry. Not so sneaky apparently. But I was grateful for someone to try and listen between my gross snotty sobs and having a puppy to cuddle.
Sorry for the rant, I'm hoping it might help me feel a little better. I have chemo this afternoon which I am dreading. Hopefully it goes ok!
Thanks for reading xx
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