I have two more rounds of chemo left! That means two more weeks of blood tests and poison and I can start to breathe again. Until I start hyperventilating about surgery but no more chemo is so wonderful! It's a little bit crazy to think about. How many litres of this stuff has been pumped through my body, and all the awful things it has done in the process of trying to fix me. In a few weeks I am having another MRI so it will be really interesting to see the results.
My last blog was a little bit depresso, so I thought this time I could write about a few of the exciting things that have happened over the last few months, that I haven't put in my blogs yet.
The first is about a group called 'Whole Lotta Life'. This is a group I have joined on Facebook, and is for younger people with cancer. They do regular meet ups across New Zealand, and they are a great bunch to talk to. The first meet up I was too scared to go to, so the second one I decided to be brave and go and meet some people! And the people I met... they are SO amazing! So friendly and kind and welcoming, and actually just hilarious. I had such a great afternoon and was so happy I went out. It was really good talking to people who have finished their treatment, and seeing how things are 'after' it is all over, and what I can expect. I know lots of people just presume no chemo = back to normal. But it is going to be a long hard road back to the new normal. Chemo can stay in your body for months afterwards, so unfortunately I'm going to have side effects for a bit longer than hoped. I think afterwards will actually be harder, as everyone seems to expect that I'm just going to bounce back and 'old' Vicky will suddenly turn up in 3 weeks. But I know that isn't quite how things are going to go. But the people met and the support they offered was so lovely. I am so pleased I went an met everyone, and can't wait for the next one!
Another suuuuper exciting thing involves the Z energy (petrol station) Good in the Hood campaign! I'm also part of a Facebook group called 'Shocking Pink', for younger women with breast cancer. These ladies have been my lifesavers. They are there to answer all my obscure questions, understand all the weird side effects I have been having, and be able to talk to me in a way that I'm not embarrassed or upset about what has been happening. They are some of the most open and honest people I have ever met. The group also provides help in the way of groceries, petrol, and other grants for people struggling while having treatment. Shocking Pink have amazing retreats every year - I so hope I can go to next years one, as unfortunately I will be in recovery from surgery or even on radiation when this years one is happening. The group has been accepted for the Good in the Hood campaign at a petrol station in Wellington, and I went along with a few other ladies to help do some of the filming, which was terrifying but exciting! We got to speak about all the great things the group does and hopefully when the campaign starts, we will get lots of votes. I completely bumbled my way through the questions I was asked - being on camera is so nerve wracking! I spoke about how the group has been the ones I can talk to about anything, and ask all my many questions to. I love talking to my friends and family, and the doctors are helpful too, but these ladies have been through exactly what I am, and having them there to support me has been so wonderful. So watch out for the footage on Facebook! We aren't sure what cuts will make the social media campaigns and what will make the TV ones, but getting the Shocking Pink charity out into the public is just so amazing. I had never heard of the group before getting cancer, and I think it is an important one for people to know about so they have these support systems.
My hair has been growing pretty steadily! It makes me nervous though, my scalp is itchy and I get quite a lot of hair fall. I'm so worried it is starting to fall out again! My eyebrows and lashes are pretty much gone, I had two more of the remaining longer lashes fall out this morning so what is left are pretty much just brittle stumps. My arm hairs have also gone super thin and brittle, and come out very easily too. I used to have pretty hairy arms so it has been weird seeing them get balder. This is my latest progress photo of my hair, I'm hoping the hairline comes back soon!
My blog isn't really a Vicky-Blog without Louie news! After all the drama I have had with him, he is having some back to basics lessons, which is really exciting. I'm still not 100% sure on what will happen with me and Louie, but these lessons are really good for him. He is learning about clear instructions, and these will give him more certainty and confidence in what is being asked of him. Last night was the first time in 3 months he was ridden in a saddle. It was so amazing watching his progress and I am learning a lot too. The trainer I have at the moment is happy to take things super slow with Louie and I, which is great as I can't do much at the moment, especially if he decides to not be so 'easy'. So when she is not around I practice his leading, stopping, going backwards and parking. He is getting much softer in his responses which is awesome. I hope one day I can go back to having my flatwork and jumping lessons, but I'm pretty sure if I did that now I would pass right out! I still have all my pony goals, but they might just have to be pushed back for a bit longer, and I am so lucky to have friends and instructors who will help me along my way to achieve these some day. My dream goals are an intro level ODE, a SJ round at 80cm, and go to a dressage show. It may not seem like a lot to many horse riders, but I would give anything to be able to go and do even a round of crossbars right now. It's been really sad seeing lots of posts on social media at the moment, with lots of riders saying how 'tiny' the jumps are that they are doing. Which is just a really good way to make other riders feel pretty bad about their own riding, if that is the height they are jumping. The horse world can be great, but it definitely needs so much more support and encouragement of each other. If someone is proud of their horse and what they have accomplished, they should never feel any thing less than awesome just because someone else has said it isn't big enough. Pony rant over - sorry!
My life has't been very interesting since the last blog. I have been trying to go to Zumba and sometimes to the pool to make sure I still have some fitness before surgery. Walking round doing the poo picking out at the horses is really good too. My side effects from chemo are still the same. Exhausted all the time, sleep troubles, body sore, dry skin and bleeding nose. But it's just sort of normal now, which isn't great, but I've got used to a lot of it. I'm struggling with wanting to just be fine at the moment. So I will go and do things as if I'm not going through chemo, and get home and just be so worn out. But its hard to just take it easy and sometimes it is nice to pretend everything is ok.
I have been gifted a massage voucher (thank you thank you thank you <3) so I am very excited to go and have a lovely massage to help my tired everything. I've also been able to go into work a bit which has been great, especially being able to contribute to a few things and be part of the team. I have missed that a lot. I'm hoping before surgery I can go in to work a bit more, but I'm nervous again that people will think I'm completely fine being off chemo, but my chemo brain will still be very much scrambled. I know a lot of people struggle with memory problems. I try and read a lot, but having the concentration to process and understand can get a bit tricky, though I hope all the reading might help. It can get a bit awkward, trying to remember things, or who I've talked to, or what was said, or even what I had to remember! I rely on my phone reminders a lot. It's a strange feeling not being able to remember things that you know you should.
This year has been the slowest and fastest year of my life. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was diagnosed, and then the whirlwind began. I can't believe it is almost September! I feel like these weeks go so much faster with the weekly chemo. And it is crazy to think that in two weeks I won't have to have chemo again (hopefully!). So I'm hoping the next blog post will be one saying I'm all done with chemo :)
Thanks so much for reading :) I hope you are having a wonderful weekend!
xxx