I have finally started the last part of my cancer treatment - Radiation. So far I have only had two seasons, but I will have 19 all together. Radiation is pretty easy, but I know it is going to get harder as it goes on. My radiation team are so lovely, and they all make the treatments really easy. I arrive about 10 minutes before my appointment to check in with reception and get into my very saucy gown. Once the room is ready I head in to get positioned. I have to lie in my head/arm casting, and have my legs in a cushy leg mould (which I am obsessed with and would really like one of my own). Then the radiation therapists make sure my tattoos are lined up with the lasers and do some fancy maths to make sure I am in exactly the right position. They also make sure I am ok holding my breath and we practice that a few times. They then leave the room and the machine comes around me and makes some noises, and I watch the numbers on the screen change. One of the therapists comes in half way, makes some adjustments, and then when she leaves this huge metal door closes and they start the radiation. They talk me through holding my breath through a speaker system, and the machine comes around me a few more times, and then they say I am done! I have no clue when it is happening and can't feel it happening in the moment.
On Friday I also had dressings put on to help with the potential burns. I feel so lucky to be at Wellington Hospital where this is funded, as at a lot of DHBs patients have to pay for this. It is a dressing used for burns victims, and instead of being an adhesive it sticks to your skin using your body heat, and can last up to two weeks. It is sort of like glad wrap, and sounds pretty magic! I hope it helps with the burns and healing - I know the burns can be pretty nasty. The other side effect of radiation is more fatigue. I'm not actually sure how I can be more exhausted but apparently it is possible! I am having 19 sessions in total, which is four more than they originally told me, as they also want to do four targeted sessions after the 15 general ones (which are just to my left breast and upper glands). I am so excited to be finished ! My final day of radiation is the 3rd of December and then I AM ALL DONE!!
I also saw my oncologist for the last time, which was a weird experience. I will miss him so much but I also hope I never see him again! He is such an incredible man and I feel so lucky to have had him as my oncologist. I talked to him about so much, and he said so many amazing things that really helped me. He talked about how the treatment part of cancer, and the side effects, that is the easy part. It is the psychological impact afterwards that is the hardest, and the part that no one understands. He said for me, everything happened in such a whirlwind that I wouldn't have had any time to process the diagnosis or the treatment, but now things have slowed down my brain will be working in overtime. He said it is totally ok to be angry and emotional, which is great cause after holding it together for so long, I've been pretty emotional about everything recently. I talked to him about how it has been hard after chemo. Everyone is so happy that chemo and surgery is 'all done' and how exciting that is. But I'm not excited at all. I know it isn't over yet, and I'm going to have a long time afterwards dealing with side effects and processing everything that has happened this year.
I've had people say to me 'oh you've done so well! It looks like chemo wasn't too bad and you came through it pretty easy!' and I have to do pretty deep breathing and just say 'it was really awful and I am looking forward to next year.' Cause I know I may have been happy and positive and smiling through all of it. But I'm not going to put up photos of the worst times. When I spent days in pyjamas having handfuls of pills that I wanted to throw back up, and just felt like death. When I had to convince myself to get out of the shower as I didn't want to start the day. When I wake up all night dripping in sweat and am so hot I can't even describe it. When everything tasted awful and I even hated the taste of water. When I got angry and cried in the shower about how everyone is moving on with their life but I'm stuck in this awful shit cancer world and can't do anything I want to do but I have to smile and be happy for everyone else otherwise that isn't being a good person and I want so bad to still be a good person and support everyone I love. When my whole body felt like every bone was broken and ached like nothing I've ever felt. When I was exhausted putting clothes on the washing line and had to go and rest after such simple tasks. When I stand up every day and my vision goes black and I have to sit down again. When I can't remember anything I want to say, or who I've said it to, or things I've done. When I spent what seemed like endless time in the shower scrubbing out the itchy loose hair and watching it disappear down the drain. When I see daily posts on my cancer groups about other people who have passed away.
It hasn't been easy and it is still hard. My brain fog and hot flushes are still coming in strong. I am still so tired, I feel like I could sleep for 3 weeks. My legs are still so achy. But life isn't going to just stop so it is necessary to just carry on.
Another reason life is really unfair: Louie. My riding of Louie had been jumping on bareback and plodding up the track to his paddock. On Tuesday, Louie was going to have a lesson and I was very eagerly hoping to jump on for his warm down and do a bit more than a plod. And I was so unbelievably excited. I headed up the track and saw him on the ridge, it looked like he had been in mud, but as I got closer I saw his knees were all grazed and bloody. The closer I got, the more worried I became. One knee was a light graze, and the other was a mangled looking knee. I took Louie down and found my instructor. She was so lovely and helped me clean out his knee, and we found he had also ripped open his beautiful velvet snoot. I called the vet and they were able to come out within the hour. By this stage I was having an actual breakdown, so was so grateful my friend arrived who gave me the biggest cuddle and I had a really good cry. The vet wrapped up Louies knee and started him on antibiotics. He has been in a little pen for 5 days now, and had his bandage changed once. It is looking like it is healing well, but I have the vet coming out again tomorrow for another bandage change. We are currently trying to save for our holiday in February, so I hate that this vet bill is going to get in the way of that. I feel so awful about it. But I so hope he is still healing ok. I was so ready to ride Louie again, and then this happens. It is just so unfair and I feel so sad for Louie, he is so bored in his pen. I am just so ready for something to go right, and it isn't happening. I just want to ride again.
I am thankful for him though. I love taking care of him and seeing him twice a day so he gets his medicine. I love mucking out his pen. I love putting out carrots and hay and grass so hopefully he has things to do and sniff out. I have even learnt how to do an 'ok' polo wrap! It has been great spending more time with him, and I hope he might be ok for some summer adventures. He is my best friend and I couldn't have got through this year without him.
Today I had a Christmas lunch with the 'whole lotta life' group. it was a really lovely get together with some amazing people. I am so lucky to be a part of such wonderful groups, and with people that encourage me to get out and be part of something. I had such a good time today, and was so thankful for lovely Roz who came and got me out there.
I also got to help out last weekend and the Pauatahanui Lamb and Calf day! I get to help with the pony rides. This year, my 'pony' was a huge clydie cross called Blue. He was so amazing and gentle, so I stole a few rides on him and had my first trot since surgery! I always dreamed of having a horse like him, a big gentle giant, so I was over the moon getting to hang out with him all day. He was amazing for the kids as well, just plodded along and was so safe. It has been nice going out and doing things. I sort of hope that when I am busy it might help me sleep better but this is still yet to happen! I will keep hoping :)
This week coming I have five radiation sessions, and then another session with a nurse and one with my doctor. So lots of appointments to keep my busy! I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend and didn't get too soggy in the rain :)
Lots of love
xoxo