And a little bit of sad. But that'll be waaaay down at the bottom and just a little bit of feeling sorry for myself so it's totally ok to skip that part and finish on the good stuff, which is ponies. it's always ponies :)
Last week was a pretty good week. My chemo cycle goes in three weeks. So week one is ugh. Week two is on the way up to feeling better. And week three is trying to regain any energy and eat all the good things and make sure I'm ready for ugh week. ALSO next week is my LAST A/C TREATMENT WOOOHOOOO!!! Then I start on weekly treatments which hopefully don't make me feel like poison as much!
On Wednesday I went out to see my Louie Patooie which was lovely. Getting out in the fresh air is SO good. Fresh air is amazing, especially now. I had a car in front of me the other day with the worlds worst exhaust and I thought I was going to throw up all through my car. Since chemo, all chemically smells are 100 times worse. So when I'm out in the beautiful valley, my lungs are so happy. Usually gasping for breath as I over do everything. But they are happy. I jumped on him for a quick plod and my beautiful patient friends led me around the arena. Just a lovely time.
Thursday was harpoon injection day. I had a new nurse come and see me and she was so nice! I always panic about this injection, but when I get the cream it only hurts a smidge as it goes in. I hate the other one way more! But just to put it in perspective, today is Monday and I still have a decent scab. From an injection. yuck.
A lovely girl I went to school with also asked to interview me for an article. So I spoke with her on Thursday as well. I was super nervous and I'm so worried I said the wrong thing or things came out not how I wanted them to. But I also hope it will make people more aware that breast cancer isn't just for if you are in a certain age bracket. And young people (guys and girls!) should check their boobs. Not to set out on a lump finding mission. But to know your boobs and know if they change. If you get a new rash, or one place is sore for ages, or something feels hard or looks weird, just go and get it checked. We are at an age where family or work or other commitments are priority, and you should always push to put yourself first.
On Friday I had a super busy day. In the morning I went to a 'Look Good, Feel Better' class. It is run by some incredible volunteers who teach you some skincare and make up tips, and you get a bag of incredible donated goodies to take home from leading brands in NZ (huge thank you to all of these companies!). My make up artists was so lovely, and we had a really fun morning together attempting to put on the worlds most sticky and glittery eyeshadow and then just as much giggles and fun trying to take it off agin! I found it really useful learning new things about my changing skin, especially with what tools I should and shouldn't be using, to help stop any risk of infection. I've hardly worn make up since this all began, as I'm sort of like... what's the point? But I was given the most beautiful BB cream and a really cool eyebrow product, so maybe I will start looking a bit less like a feral egg and more like a glowing egg with super good eyebrows. ha.
I had some time for lunch with a lovely work friend before my next appointment. It was so great catching up and having a bit of normal human time, which was very much needed! She took me to a super cute cafe in Newtown that had SO MANY VEGETARIAN OPTIONS! Everything looked so yummy! I had a super delicious pumpkin and eggplant cannelloni and a milkshake with coconut, chocolate and peanut butter nom nom nom nom!
After lunch was my genetics appointment. A few weeks ago I had my blood taken and sent to Australia so they could extract my DNA and look for the some terrifying genes. I was a little nervous but mostly just looking forward to see what they found. And they found NOTHING! I am a strange medical anomaly indeed. This means my cancer is just a weird, unfortunate thing, that actually has no reason to be in me. Nothing in my DNA, no family history, no terrifying genes that produce them. No smoking or drinking or drugs or horrendous diet. Just a super unlucky lump.
On Saturday morning, one of my beautiful friends joined me on a horse trek at one of my favourite places in the world, Beachbrook Stables in Otaki. I got to ride my dream horse Moosey again (I've been obsessed with him since the first time I saw him, and just adore riding him), and he is just perfect. He is so super chill and calm and the safest clompety of all time, and I know he would never send me flying into space (ahem... looking at you demon goat), so I had the best time just relaxing and not worrying and enjoying the beautiful Otaki Beach. We got to go for a little zoom and popped over a few logs which was so much fun. Moose is excellent at doing pretty much all of the work! Such a perfect horse.
And Beachbrook had PUPPIES. As an avid animal lover/obsessed-crazy-person, when I remembered there were puppies I was even more excited. And I got so many puppy snugs. They were all so squishy and small and it was just a wonderful morning. And I slept soooo good that night.
On Sunday I spent a good few hours out in the valley with my friends and the ponies. I took Louie/demon goat/my giant dog for a hand walk down the road. It was all going super great until we go to the bridge. I should mention that although he hasn't been on a hack for a long time, this bridge has never ever EVER been a problem before. Even in winter when there was a lot of water under it. But today it obviously had some pokemon hiding beneath it. So Louie had a meltdown. After a few arguments and Louie throwing in some sweet moves all over the road, we got over the bridge of doom. Then he saw the chickens next to the bridge and it started again. I was SO thankful I wore my gloves. Once he calmed down we practiced bridge walking a few more times. Of course he didn't blink an eye when the super loud motor-bike went past. Or the cyclists. Or the sports car that didn't even attempt to slow down but cheerfully waved at me instead. We will have a lot of bridge practice coming up I think. But he was super relaxed for the most part so I was really happy with him.
I also really wanted to try and teach Louie to Bow. He is very good with clicker training as it involves food, which is his one true love. Teaching him 'touch' and 'kiss kiss' was insanely easy as he literally does anything for treats. My first attempts were totally useless as I tried to hold the treat, clicker, lead rope and his hoof, but things went better when my friend came to help hold Louie. And LOOK AT HIM! He is so cute. The cutest little potato. Ugh I love him so much. I can't wait to keep teaching him!
We then had a lovely bareback plod around the arena, which is my favourite way to end the day. So many smiles :)
Coming up are some feelings. It's more so I can just get. them. out. of. my head. But I'm sure it'll be a bit woe is me and end up sounding like a spoilt brat child. So it's totally ok to just finish the blog here. Here is a photo of my beautiful boy :) isn't he DELICIOUS!
Things that made me cry in the shower like an idiot yesterday and probably again as I write it all down.
Feeling left out. Missing everything. Missing life. Missing being normal and getting to do normal things. Knowing how much I'm missing out on.
Watching all my amazing friends do amazing pony things and I love them so much and love supporting them so much and seeing them doing all these things is just the best but it breaks my heart a little bit also. And it's only been like 3 months. And I wanted so bad to be a brave rider this year and get back on Louie and try and stay on and go to shows again and do the hunter class and all the jumping cause he loves and I love it. And be brave in the 70cm ones. And my goal was to try an 80 by the end of the season. Which is terrifying but when I jumped 80 I just felt amazing and I want to feel like flying again. And everyone else gets to go out and have fun on their horses and it's not fair and life isn't fair. And my goals don't count anymore. And it is shit. This year was supposed to be so good. But it is the worst. And now I'm sitting with a damp face being sad that I can't ride my beautiful demongoat horse. And if thats all I'm sad about it shouldn't be the end of the world. But I'm so sad. This winter is going to be so hard.